shattered dreams

2007-07-18T13:39:00.000+08:00

maybe i really am growing old and boring and prudent
there are many things i would want to write about but they are not thoughts and opinions i would feel comfortable/safe sharing with the world
and writing about what i did with who and what not simply is not appealing anymore
seems somehow trivial, mundane and, if i may use the word, childish

i will not delete this blog for the many memories it holds

in years to come, the archives would probably serve as a record of all the fun and crazy times i had had
a reservoir of fond memories

but for now, the transition to true adulthood is making me think
probably too much and too deeply
and i am just not ready to share such thoughts with the world

goodbye, blog

2007-07-12T22:12:00.000+08:00

even though i have yet to settle module registration for this semester, i already have to choose where i wanna do my industrial attachment in the next semester
and
i really dunno how to choose
how will i know whether i will like that particular aspect or not?
boo

i guess i have always been indecisive and has this uncanny knack for making the wrong decision regarding the most important thing
i really dun wanna make a wrong choice this time round cuz IA is important, i think

on a happier note, really had great fun last night
even though angelo and rather obscene amounts of alcohol made me admit to/say/reveal things that i probably should not have
my classmates are too guai and angelo is too evil
:((

went back to SN today
orange bowl craving satisfied
played a little basketball and i think i should do it more for the sake of nice arms

be strong, girl
there are lots of people to help you through this
but first, you gotta have to want to do it

2007-07-07T17:10:00.000+08:00

back from bali
and i am suffering from bali withdrawal symptom
miss the sun, sand, sea, breeze and lovely weather
the damn cheap bintang beer and all the other alcohol
and of course, the lovely company
)):

lots and lots of pictures
but many were rather blurred
(stupid slow flash and unsteady hands)

lovely times at the beach
lovely dinner at poppies
lovely krispy kreme picnics with bintangs by the pool
super fantastic massage that makes you melt

really lovely trip

on another sadder note,
life is really damn unpredictable
a friend of mine whom has been more or less healthy (and leads a much healthier lifestyle than me) has been diagnosed with third stage cancer
it came as a damn big surprise laa
i seriously hope he will make a full recovery

friends, please do cherish those around you and let them know you do

2007-06-29T23:38:00.000+08:00

i need to rant abt that bloody lazy ass of an admin assistant at the tuition center
@#$$%$#
she is so damn bloody annoying and bloody lazy
i think i said that before but she really is
it is her job to ensure that there is a class and tell me if there isn't
she didn't do that for 2 consecutive weeks
and when i text her to ask her to confirm the class
she freakin didn't even bother to reply me
like bloody hell
it is YOUR JOB to inform me
WITHOUT ME HAVING TO ASK
!#$!%#$%
and the other admin assistant at the other branch agrees that the lazy bum is at fault laaa
she so deserves to get smacked
and like the other admin assistant has to help the lazy bum do her work
how unfair
gahhhhh

seriously, sometimes, you cant blame people for stereotyping

i hope her fat ass falls up the chair that she so refuses to get up from soon

2007-06-27T09:27:00.001+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SERA!

first it was our blue pinafore days when we were still young and crazy, when we chased each other with dusters and water bottles and throwing shoes around

then came the days of the white shirt and tie when we were still crazy and stupid, not as young as before, but still young
hah
at least then, even with our fantastic jigsaw timetable, we still had time to have lunch and go out

now, it is the time of the uniform-less school
where our timetables are seriously perfect jigsaw fits
less time to be stupid and crazy as before (even though we still are, being constantly plagued by random issues and perpetual stupid boy problems)

yes, woman
you're now officially an adult
might be a good time to leave the mess of the past behind and move on
hopefully

even if you don't
i still love you
hahah

cheers to more fun times ahead

2007-06-26T00:49:00.000+08:00

i bought my dress today!!
((:
i realised i had to have it after the devastation i felt when i thought it was gone
hahah

yes, and everyone present agreed that it is a nice dress
so there
(((:

2007-06-24T14:47:00.000+08:00

it is pretty amazing how a random act by someone can change a person's life drastically
maybe it is what is called the butterfly effect
not my experience so it is best not to comment but somehow it just seems we can never understand the mysterious ways in which fate/life/destiny works

on a lighter note, i found a rather nice place in the far east hidden in the midst of prisons
yes, totally inaccessible to majority of the people i actually go out/have drinks with
but they really do have damn nice chicken wings and the drinks are cheap
kinda, or at least as compared to what i normally pay
why cant there be more of such places (nearer to where i stay)??
hah

dinner at marche with old, old friends at vivo
and marche is seriously an expensive, angmoh kopitiam
hah
but nonetheless it is the company that matters
sounds seriously cliche but hey, cliches come about because of the truths in them
(:

and even tuition worked out fine
kinda, at least

so, last week was good
(sunday is the first day of the week!!)

:)))

2007-06-12T23:51:00.000+08:00

lijie is a directional idiot

at least on angelo's car
seriously, we get lost almost every single time
bahhh

and i need to learn my left and right too
:(

2007-06-09T18:23:00.000+08:00

i don't think i am very easily amazed
but
people amaze me

seriously

especially when people you thought you knew do stuff that is totally unexpected
i was so stunned that i was speechless
totally at a loss of how to react and respond
no matter whose side i take, i am going to get into trouble with the other
but, i cant just stay out of it because.. the situation simply doesn't allow me to

i hate being sandwiched

gahhh

that will be the first and the last
no more kids around for anything else

2007-06-08T14:05:00.000+08:00

i feel crippled
my legs are aching like i dunno what
:((

and i feel pathetic
there wasn't even really alot of running involved nor was it an extra strenuous workout at the gym the day before
sighh

i think i am just fat and useless now
but nvm, i shall erm, exercise more to stop being fat and useless
and start eating healthily

that should be my goal
(after i am done with the ben&jerry's in the freezer)

2007-06-05T22:36:00.000+08:00

the headache is back
how annoying

i have lots of miscellaneous stuff to do but i am simply too damn lazy to haul my ass out of the house
and i have developed an amazing ability to sleep the day away

actually, i don't know why i am writing all this because it doesn't make much sense and it is not even remotely interesting

i think i am just too bored

2007-06-02T02:17:00.000+08:00

i always meet interesting taxi uncles when i go home from holland vi late at night
hah

the topic of conversation can range from drinking places to protecting yourself against guys to how guys always only want to get into the girls' pants
really entertaining sometimes

today, or tonight rather, the uncle was educating me, or trying to educate me, about how important virginity is to a girl
and how irresponsible it is to have a child when you are unable to support even yourself
and how his niece has a boyfriend and he thinks that he is only trying to get sex from the girl

bit amusing, really

i suspect he thinks i am a kid
and that since he picked me up near the drinking places, it was necessary for him to try to educate me on the perverse and horny nature of the male mind
and he actually told me to be careful when i was alighting from the cab

hah

on another note, wala wala and UOB really has pretty good customer service
(someone will beg to differ on the point of UOB having good customer service though, i am pretty certain)
i very intelligently dropped my card at wala and they actually called UOB up to get them to call me to inform me
and if not for that call, i wouldn't have realised that i dropped my mini
(yes, i know i ought to have been more careful, esp since the card is so small and pretty)
and it could have been terrible should some evil soul used it for their evil intentions
so, i am grateful to the good people at wala and UOB

note to self:
junk food is bad
over-eating is bad

2007-05-27T12:44:00.001+08:00

i swear PR 2202 was the worst module that i have ever, ever taken
!#$@#%^$

analytical chem is as bad
actually, all the chem modules i had to take were bad

gahh

oh well
at least its all over

to the powers that oversee the academic realm:
please let me pick the right elective next sem

thank you very much

2007-05-22T20:11:00.000+08:00

lijie feels seriously pathetic
i pulled a muscle while swimming
WHILE SWIMMING!!!

wth

i am seriously disgusted with myself
and i was tired after 12 laps
12 pathetic laps

i ~~want~~ need to get back some of the fitness level i used to possess

lijie is going to stop being a bum at home

2007-05-17T20:00:00.000+08:00

i need to stop spending money
i need to seriously revise my definition of "acceptable price range"
(sera should know what i mean)
i need to lock up all my cards

actually, i think all i need is to find a job
cuz if i have a job, i would stop having so much time to go shopping
and i would actually have money
and most importantly, the mother would stop nagging
(why can't she see that i would be working for the rest of my lives from next year onwards and that it is not that unreasonable that i refuse to work this holidays?)

but seriously, jobs do not fall from the sky
and i think working for $6 per hour is just plain pathetic and a waste of my time
gahhh

i should stop being so spoilt

2007-05-16T19:18:00.000+08:00

i am so annoyed with myself
seriously, i can just kill myself now
like now
ARGHHH

i thought i backed up all my documents onto my external hard disk
but no, i did not back up all my sem 2's notes
bloody hell
so everything is gone

fuck

so clever, lijie

arghhhhh

2007-05-10T17:55:00.000+08:00

phantom last night was GOOD
i am not going to attempt a review simply because i lack the necessary linguistic and technical skills
but let's just say it was worth every single cent i paid for it
the only annoying thing was the stupid woman beside us who kept talking throughout the show even after we told her to keep quiet

gahh

am terribly sick now, it feels
the room is spinning and the floor seems to be shaking
how annoying
i hate being sick cuz it is such a waste of time to not be able to do anything but stay in bed

boo

2007-05-08T20:26:00.000+08:00

what in the world is wrong with blogger???
it took me 16846516579 tries to finally log in and then the screen is just screwed up
gahh
and its not my laptop cuz i am using another PC
laptop is gonna be away at the doc's for a few days
(after the AC adapter started emitting sparks and flames)
hopefully it will work properly after its hospital stay
and stop sounding like a car when it is not

the holidays have been good thus far
spending time with myself and the people whom i wanna see
:))
still waiting for that guy to call me back abt the tuition thing though
i need the money laa

been spending money like nobody's business lately
i don't even want to think about how much i have spent
btw, shopping alone is damn fun and nice
but you, or at least i, tend to spend even more when i go on solo shopping trips

i need money to start growing on trees or for the pathetic amount of money in my bank account to start reproducing
but i highly doubt such a thing will happen
hence, i need a job

this is so totally random

2007-05-04T22:45:00.000+08:00

i am terribly, terribl sunburnt
and i think my skin is super duper laggy cuz it only started to turn red after i reached home
i was perfectly fine the whole duration at sentosa
:((
but i had fun, so no complaints, i guess

and just to rant
discounted tickets for 1 july are already sold out when the discount started from 2 may
fine, i know i am one of those kiasu, cheapo-s too

2007-05-03T19:05:00.000+08:00

have yet to sleep since i woke up at seven-ish yesterday morning
suprisingly, i am still alive and not sleepy at all
i think its called over-exhaustion

the mother can be really annoying
gahh
it seems that allmost all mothers behave in this mannr?
why are they always like that?

sometimes, i think it can be quite liberating to talk crap to one bunch of random strangers
you can just say what you want and not bother abt anything since you prolly wont see them again
at least that is what i think laa

three different paragraphs, 3 entirely different things
how random

freedom tastes good!

2007-05-01T11:04:00.000+08:00

i woke up at 0630 today when i absolutely do not have to
the damn exams not only screwed up my head, gave me pimples, now it has caused me to not be able to sleep beyond 0700
gahhhh
i am angry

on a brighter note, it is time to start planning for the bali trip
wheeeee

to ah seng and all the rest of the people involved, please find some free time soon so we can plan the trip
i need to plan and coordinate the second part of my holiday as well yarh?

2007-04-30T17:26:00.000+08:00

it is finally over
but suprisingly, there wasn't that sense of euphoria as anticipated
maybe its because i know it wasn't a job well done

oh well
i shan't think about all this

time to have fun now
:)))

2007-04-29T20:11:00.000+08:00

one more day to liberation
last one

but i think this is the toughest of all
that woman is horrid
her notes are pretty much useless
and i am so not studying
i think its called the last paper syndrome
watching the dance floor finals
way more exciting than the fragmented notes which i have some serious problems understanding

paper at nine tmr
liberation at eleven
cant wait

2007-04-27T09:34:00.000+08:00

every time before my exam, i always come up with this grand plan
of how i am going to finish studying this time round
how i am going to start earlier, be more consistent and not bum around till less than 24 hours before my paper

and yet, without fail, i ALWAYS only start studying for the paper, the day before the paper
what the hell

i had 3.5 days to perpare for my last 2 papers
and till now, i have yet to complete anything
gahhhh
and the horrid chem paper for which i need a miracle for is tomorrow
at 9 am at that

saturday papers have always been cursed for me
never ever had i done well for a single saturday paper
gahh

i am annoyed with myself

2007-04-24T19:02:00.000+08:00

i am still in shock after the paper today
it was in one word, DISASTROUS
freakin hell
who in the right mind will ask what fragrances the ancient romans use for the daily rituals?
and they use different things for different offerings at different times of the day at that
and how am i supposed to know which long dead person brought perfume from france to italy?
and what is the perception of beauty????
HUHHH???

not to mention that it was an extremely long paper
80 MCQ, 2 essay and 40 fill in the blanks in 2 hours
if not for the fact that i have nothing to write, i would never have been able to finish it
stupid paper
just totally killed me this sem

the only thing i can hope for is that everyone doesn't do well too
since we operate on the bell curve
evil, i know
but the arts people s/u it what
and if everybody doesn't do well, it is for the greater good

now, i gotta mug damn hard for chem and hope like mad that the miracle that happened for the CAs keep up
oh, and postharvest technology too
hope like mad that the woman doesn't come up with too weird questions and that i remember the spelling of all the scientific names of the veggie and the fish

two more
i will pull through
hopefully

2007-04-22T22:25:00.000+08:00

i have a love/hate relationship with MCQ papers
it so simple to just not study for it because it is MCQ and you cannot fail
but, at the same time, you gotta study damn hard for it if you wanna do well since everyone is going to do well for it, anyway
gahhh
this is speaking from experience cuz the average score for the last test for this module was freakin 80%
joy to the world
and cheers to lots of memorising of figures
double gahhh

back to mugging

2007-04-21T10:06:00.000+08:00

i thought econs was easy
it was until the whole deal about money supply and what not started
gahh
annoyed

my paper is in 3 hours and i still don't quite know why it works the way it does
rahhh
oh well, consolation is i S/U the thing so i don't really care

one down, one more going to be over soon
four more to go
i need lots and lots of luck and brain cells to finish this time round

to whoever that is up there that controls the academic realm, please let me do well
or at least let me understand what i am studying laa
thank you very much

2007-04-18T15:20:00.000+08:00

i guess once a crack appears, it will never go away
as much as you try to do everything in your power to restore it to its original state, it can never be done
the strain will be there
at the slightest pressure, you hear the crack, depsite all your past efforts
and you just wonder was everything worth the effort
yet, you know you cannot just not try
and somehow, you simply can't just walk away

i used to pick up the phone confidently to call and text
assured that the voice at the other end will be happy to talk to me
now, i lack the courage to punch in those familiar numbers
afraid to feel the distance and, what i think is, nonchalence

i am supposed to be studying because the countdown timer on my desktop says 1 day and 17 hours to my first paper
but my mind has decided to wander off into a realm not within my control
and this lack of control over myself doesn't help as well
simply makes me more annoyed at myself

2007-04-16T19:05:00.000+08:00

one thing that my current course has done to me is to seriously educate me and make me think about my diet
not necessarily a bad thing, i think

at least i have a faint idea of what the stuff i am putting into myself is capable of doing to my body
and how not to get cheated by those health supplements because all it does is to give you expensive pee

of course, i also learnt about how my food comes about
but that kinda made me stop eating meat and caused me to stop eating sausages which were once my favourite food
and of course, i learnt that alcohol is a toxin to the body actually
as in i knew it wasn't good for the body but i didn't know it was actually considered a toxin
and i think its the psychological effect that has caused me to be allergic to alcohol sudden
damn rash are still itching
but sat night was fun, so no regrets

yes, i am rambling cuz i have been mugging/ attempting to mug for so long that i decided that a break should be better for my state of mental health than staring at the textbook

(:

2007-04-12T23:20:00.000+08:00

i just had another of my weird dreams while sleeping the science library
and it is one of those that do not bode well
it was so fucking realistic and i could remember every single detail
please don't let it come true
even though she always scold me and don't particularly like me, but still
don't let it come true

please let it be my a trick of my over exhausted mind

sleep used to be my escape from horrid reality cuz i don't have to think then
but now, lately, sleep has become scary
stupid dreams are killing me as much as the real world

i need rest

2007-04-11T17:39:00.000+08:00

i did this out of sheer boredom and because all it requires me to do was to click at rotating cubes
but the results are to say, the least, freaky because it is so damn bloody accurate
and all i did was to choose colours
scary stuff, i tell you

What it says:

You are tending to pursue your objectives with concentrated intensity and it would seem that whatever obstacles may come into your path, you will stick to your guns and will not allow yourself to be deflected from your purpose. You are striving to achieve recognition and what is more - you deserve it.

Being a somewhat gentle, emotional and sensitive person, you are at this time experiencing a considerable amount of tension. What you really need is someone who can be close to you and to listen to what you have to say.

There are times of everyone's life when 'compromise' is the name of the game and this is the time, so you have no alternative but to forgo some pleasures for the time being. You are capable of achieving satisfaction through physical activity.

For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.

Whatever you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong and you are now quite convinced that there is little point of formulating new objectives and it is this belief that has resulted in the stress and anxiety. You would like to be able to communicate with other people who think as you do. At this time there seems to be no-one on the horizon nor is there any prospect of meeting anyone in the immediate future. But it must be said that you are really a 'trier' and indications are that you will, as indeed you have in the past, 'bounce back'.

2007-04-11T15:10:00.000+08:00

i am dying
because i have been in the library for freaking 5 hours and i am not done with one section of my lectures yet
and i cannot write my lab report because i cannot make sense of it

and i currently feel like puking and have a stupid pounding headache
i think the exam syndrome has decided to come haunt me again
or it might be that coffee that is the doing of my discomfort

gahh

either way
i feel like crap

2007-04-09T14:21:00.000+08:00

i never thought i would become one of those who will associate things/people with people
and consequently avoid them to not be reminded
i thought i was more than that

i am disgusted with myself
thank you very much

2007-04-08T14:57:00.000+08:00

some relatives are meant to be seen only once in a long, long while
and that means in a very long while

the constant cacophony drives me mad
repetitive stories that i have heard for so many times
shrill, loud voices, so jarring on the ears
honestly, sometimes, relatives can be a, erm, chore to entertain

ten more days to exams
i need to concentrate
but how to when the mind is in such a whirl?
the pieces just don't settle long enough for anything to stay inside

are you really going to walk away like that?

2007-04-07T18:32:00.000+08:00

i don't want it to be the last hug
not like that
not when it was full of anger and hurt

stay, please

2007-04-05T16:23:00.000+08:00

i guess sorry won't help this time round
but there is nothing else i can say

i don't know whether you will read this
maybe not
probably not

what we had was real
every single thing was real
it wasn't a waste of my time

all i can do now is wait
wait and hope

2007-04-01T17:00:00.000+08:00

i am in school now
at 1700 when normal people are out and having fun
i feel really sad for myself, thank you very much

2007-04-01T14:18:00.000+08:00

i really am that close to the edge
the old, the young, the school, the work, the brain, the body
everything seems to be actively participating in the bring lijie down campaign
overzealous participation, in fact

suffering from acute lack of sleep
and the pounding headache is still ever present
the stomach is already crazy
and it seems that the limbs seem to be joining in the revolt as well

yes, i am about to fall apart
in every sense of the word

2007-03-31T14:16:00.000+08:00

had a late night talk with two mothers yesterday
disturbing, the things ~~they~~ we talked about
really made me start thinking

i know what i feel is real
but because of what i want and my fears, i do not want a future that what most people want, or think should be
so, in that way
am i being selfish?
am i doing something wrong?

sigh
disturbing thoughts
and i don't really want to think about it all
am too tired, too busy, too scared

2007-03-29T16:25:00.000+08:00

2000 words on what i learnt during the lab sessions
9% of a module which by sheer luck i have yet to screw up, yet
how to write???
lets not talk about my english getting from bad to worse, that is another story altogether
very soon i will start speaking in the "dun like that lah" and "cannot, cannot" and i dunno what else laaa
but, that is beside the point now

honestly, 2000 words reflection essay???
and it is really called reflective writing, btw
how??
really nth to write
sighh
i need my crapping skills back

like. now.

2007-03-29T13:04:00.000+08:00

i hate group work
i hate, hate, hate, hate group work
especially when it is with irresponsible idiots

freakin annoying to just not turn up because you s/u the module
i hope all those irresponsible idiots who bring harm onto their group members fail
get a freaking U instead of the S

i slept for one hour last night
one fucking hour because i about rewrote the whole damn report, had to edit another report and do the stupid powerpoint slides
and the idiot just decided to not turn up today
i hope she fails
and i hope those two idiots who hopefully have lots and lots of pimples by now fail the module too
it is two different modules, btw
and there are three idiot in question here

i hope they all get a freaking U

2007-03-25T19:14:00.000+08:00

note to self:
always check whether your potential group members S/U the module
DO NOT,repeat, DO NOT, NEVER, EVER, work with people who S/U the freaking module, especially when your intuition tells you they are not the kind to produce work that is remotely up to standard

gahh
i hope those two buggers get lots of pimples on their face from their respective facial foams
(erm, my project is on facial foam)
and i am so definitely going to turn in the peer evaluation form this time round
fucking idiots gave me work that i could have produced in my secondary school days

on a happier note, saturday nights like yesterday SHOULD become a regular affair
:)

2007-03-23T04:42:00.000+08:00

i am awake at 0 441
and i have been awake at such times for the whole week
i didn't wake up by myself
i went to sleep at 2 am
something woke me up
and it is driving me mad
(and no, it is nth supernatural, in case some of you might be wondering)
because i cant go back to sleep once i wake up
so, this sucks
i freakin need sleep

2007-03-19T03:21:00.000+08:00

its 0321
i am attempting to complete the first out of the three reports that are due ~~tmr~~ today
wth

and half my class is online now
meaning, all of us are still awake and writing reports at the unearthly hour of 0321
is this sad or is this tragic ???

2007-03-17T21:23:00.000+08:00

lijie has 3 reports due on monday
project meeting on tuesday

and she is going mad because she cant get anything done
so she is going out to get a drink
how extremely intelligent of her
:))

2007-03-15T16:56:00.000+08:00

i think i will get to watch phantom of the opera after all
yayy
that makes me a happier person
:)))

btw, i still hate lab reports
i swear i am allergic to work
i get a headache whenever i turn on the computer and start to try to do work
gahh

2007-03-11T22:29:00.000+08:00

i am feeling extremely unsettled
my heart is pounding and i can feel the fear
and i hate feeling like this because i know something bad is going to happen when i feel like this

it is like i have a sixth sense or sth
as if i can sense that sth bad is going to happen before it happens
and i hate it

i would rather not have this stupid ability to foresee or fore-feel bad things
it causes me to be nervous and frightened
and makes me feel extremely helpless because i know sth bad is going to happen but not knowing what the sth bad is and not being able to prevent it

2007-03-11T20:29:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WEI WEI AND VIVIEN

a little late for one, a little early for the other
but happy birthday, my dears

21
transition to adulthood
but lets not forget how to have fun

stay pretty and adorable always
cheers to more great times ahead!

love you babes

2007-03-09T23:31:00.000+08:00

assignments due

1.resume and job application letter
2. PR CA
3. diet analysis
4. chicken lab report

they are due in that order
the first 3 are due within 24 hours of each other, actually

things i need to do
1. stop being half-sick ( i am not really sick but not really well either, so that is half sick)
2. stop being irritated and annoyed
3. make the irritating pounding headache go away
4. go find out where in the world did my money go to
5. cure my dying laptop

2007-03-05T14:55:00.000+08:00

oh crap
i am so sleepy that i forgot i have a tutorial at four today
all i could think of was getting home and going to sleep
no thanks to the crazy thing called my stomach that is acting up again as well
rubbish
now i must find another tutorial class to go to
gahh

2007-03-04T14:01:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAREST

maybe it wasn't alot and maybe it wasn't the best of plans
but i hope you enjoyed yourself

i love you

2007-03-02T05:39:00.000+08:00

12 pathetic hours of sleep i've had since the beginning of this week
no, i didn't wake up so early
i just haven't slept, yet

2007-03-01T03:16:00.000+08:00

i slept at 0015 and woke up at 0158 just now
i slept at 0032 and woke up at 0517 yesterday
(exact timing, btw)
i have no idea why i remember such random numbers so clearly but cannot remember my bloody equations

thankfully the coffee in the noon is still doing its job in keeping me awake
although i have to say the headache kinda sucks
but oh well
beggars cant be choosers
and i can only blame myself for doing last minute work
as usual

i love analytical chem
really

2007-02-27T21:29:00.000+08:00

deadlines for the week

28/02
1600 ES results report
1900 EC 1301 midterm

01/03
1600 CM 2142 midterm

02/03
1000 FST 2106 lab report
1400 FST 2201 midterm

and lijie has yet to complete anything

econs seems easy enough to understand but yet, i am not certain of stuff
i just cant understand the graphs even though i am a science student
they are damn foregin

analytical chemistry is just a big mind boggling module
i understand the freaking principle and how the thing works but i dun understand the damn formulas and cant do the questions
and i dun understand how i can understand the concept and not the formulas
ridiculous

wake up, brain of lijie
start working

2007-02-26T03:32:00.000+08:00

i am pissed off so this is a ranting entry

i hate irresponsible group members
i fucking hate people who call me up the night before the thing is due to tell me that she didn't do her part and may not go to class tmr cuz she is at a chalet and the othe r cannot be contacted cuz she is not in singapore
WTF
i saved your asses once and i seriously don't have to do it again
that was already enough to make me pissed off

then, came the msg at twelve plus, asking me to go online
because she came home so she could discuss it with me online
and when i did not reply cuz i was sleeping,
she had the atrocity to send me another msg in some accusing tone that basically could be summed up in "i gave up the fun and came home so that i could discuss it with you leh and you're not replying me, thanks ah.."
WTF
i have a right to choose what time i sleep and wake up
i do not have to adjust my sleeping patterns to suit your schoedule or save your sorry ass

gahhh
i am so irritated
stupid and irresponsible people are the most annoying of the lot

2007-02-15T22:35:00.000+08:00

today, everyone at lecture looked pretty dead
as if no one had much sleep last night
if it was two years ago, i would ask "hot date?"
today, i asked, " tomato lab arhh? what time did you finish?"
and answers ranged from 2-6 am

you cant really blame us for hating tomatoes
they aren't exactly the most interesting dates to have on valentine's day
much less when the whole report was rubbish since there was no basis of comparison at all

alas, the life of a science student

2007-02-14T16:51:00.000+08:00

it is that time of the year we call valentine's day again
and i am in the science canteen, doing my tomato lab report after finishing a freaking 6.5 hours lab session
such is the life of a science student
gahhh

2007-02-11T11:02:00.000+08:00

i love saturday nights
i love the girl friends
i love the boyfriend

i love being in the company of people who care enough for fun and care enough not to judge

thank you people

2007-02-07T16:19:00.000+08:00

and i am a philosopher

RIGHT

2007-02-07T13:19:00.000+08:00

i have always believed in signs
i believe that there is someone up there who makes certain things happen to send us messages
and these things are what i call signs
yes, as dumb and incredulous as it may sound, and logical and rational i may seem, i believe in signs

which is why i am feeling pretty much crappy now
upset and disappointed at the fact that such a thing happened again
and even more upset and annoyed at myself for being so ridiculous as to get upset for sth like that which is very obviously not within our control
but i just am

and it makes me wonder whether it is a sign that i always have to be alone at times when i kinda need someone's company the most

gahhh

2007-02-03T16:39:00.000+08:00

lijie is tired already
go away
or let me go away

2007-01-31T19:47:00.000+08:00

laughing is good
it can help you train your stomach
it makes you happy
and everything seems nicer and brighter when you are happy

so, friends, do share the funny stories your have with others
:)

2007-01-24T19:07:00.000+08:00

and the curse of the lab reports begin

been feeling super sian and depressed lately for no apparent reason
gahh
i dislike being in this state
i suspect it is the hormones

in need of fun activities
friends, do someting?
anything fun will do

and sera, weekend should be still on, i think
i need to do sth fun so do the other two of them
and i am guessing you too
:)

2007-01-23T11:15:00.000+08:00

lijie shouldn't get angry or annoyed
because when she does, she becomes an eating monster that gobbles food up which in turn causes her clothes to shrink

and now, lijie has evolved into an eating monster
had an impressive-sized packet of nasi lemak for breakfast at 8
then i went back to sleep cuz i had a terrible headache, thinking i will wake up at 9 to go to the gym
but when i woke up, it was already 11 and i was hungry
so, i happily went to cook my nice tom yam instant noodles which i just finished

so that comes up to 2 full meals, within the span of 3 hours, with sleeping being the only activity done in between

i hope my clothes wont shrink anymore

2007-01-16T12:04:00.000+08:00

i swear people in school are disgusting
registration opens at 12 and by 1204, the slots can be full
WTH

gahhh

thankfully, i managed to get mine
if not i would have a terrible time trying to fit sth in

first full monday yesterday and i totally died
like totally, totally
never knew school can be so draining
conked out at eleven plus till like eleven plus
repeat of monday on thursday
i seriously hope that this is just a passing phase and i will adapt to this schedule soon

2007-01-13T18:36:00.000+08:00

all i can say is thank you
maybe it wasn't spectacular
maybe we didn't get drunk or high
maybe it wasn't all that everyone had hoped for

but i appreciate all the effort
and i enjoyed myself

sera, angelo, abby, vivien, weiwei, priscila
joleen, kelvin, kaibin, junkai
junwen

thank you to each and everyone of you
for doing all that you have done
or just being there

and of course, a thank you to evryone else whom remembered

2007-01-07T09:11:00.000+08:00

drinking is fun, getting high is fun, doing stupid things when you are high is fun
but
puking your guts out after drinking is not fun, suffering from a hangover the next morning because your body decides to punish you for drinking is not fun, having someone take a video of you puking into the drain by the road is just totally unglam

06/01/06 = last free saturday before school starts = fun
but i cant decide whether the puking and everything else after the fun is worth it

and i have only had four hours of sleep before being woken up which is why i am writing this now at an rather unbelievable time of nine in the morning when i reached home at three plus
it always happens because my body likes to tell me that i should stop drinking and this is its way of punishing me
making me unable to sleep despite the stupid headache

i hear you, body
but i need to have fun and destress once in a while

2007-01-05T10:07:00.000+08:00

school is really starting

this is my timetable
i cant decide whether it is disgusting or not

two killer days
but, i will generally have a 4 day week for most of the academic term
and even a 2 day week if i skip fst 2201 on weeks with no fst labs
although, technically, that is not supposed to happen
note the word, technically
hah

2007-01-01T11:28:00.000+08:00

first day of a new year
but honestly, it is just another day

i shall not lie to myself and make new year resolutions because i have never kept any of those that i have made
don't want to sound grouchy but honestly, i do not see how this year will be different from the last
yes, i know it is up to me to make a difference as to how to live my life, but sometimes, it is just not that easy

somehow, i feel as if i have grown so old and jaded, forced to grow up that i no longer believe in "a fresh beginning"
because i know what has happened has already happened, and there is no way you can undo everything and begin "afresh"
things happen, shit happens
what happens subsequently will be to pick up the pieces and piece them together as best as you can and hope like nothing else that what you have left will work well enough
a sad outlook of life, i know
oh well
we all know life is never a bed of roses, don't we?

happy new year, people

2006-12-20T23:14:00.000+08:00

my life can never be completely happy and trouble-free, it seems
and that kinda sucks
RAHH

nvm
i am used to it already
if everything is fine at home, there will be boyfriend issues
if everything is fine with the boyfriend, things will be screwed up at home
if everything is fine with the boyfriend and at home, school must be giving me hell
seriously
why cant i have i just have a simple life

but, as i said, i am used to it already
(that is kinda sad, huhh?)

on a slightly brighter note, this week has been pretty ok, i guess
and i want a dragon after watching Eragon
hah
right

shopping tmr
let me find sth nice
i seriously need retail therapy and not being able to find anything nice when you're on retail therapy is sad

2006-12-15T08:59:00.000+08:00

my newest acquisition -- a 3 by 5 cm bruise
and on my knee
rahh

2006-12-13T19:12:00.000+08:00

when love contains an 'i', it is misspelt and is therefore false love, let him go.

-- Halfway Up the Mountain by Kiran Khalap

such is true love, i think
maybe, i really have been too selfish

2006-12-12T11:51:00.000+08:00

lijie is a sadist
she has this utmost amazing ability to screw up her life when she is happiest
kill her, someone

what is the point of being logical and rational?
especially when you know you will not have the mental strength to carry through what you know is the solution
it then just makes you and the other person miserable
sighh

i am sorry
i really am

2006-12-10T03:51:00.000+08:00

the week has been pretty wonderful even though i should really get more sleep
and at more normal hours
but, i am a happy girl
(save for the fact that i think someone is pissed off at me now, for something that is both my fault and not my fault)

getting dad's birthday gift and knowing he likes it, shopping with mummy, buying nice clothes that are cheap, meeting dear friends without the nagging thought of projects due and looming exams, being able to watch tv as and when i like, being able to sleep at anytime i like and wake up as and when it pleases me, being able to gym and go for yoga, lie in bed adn read nice books, spending time with a certain someone, and lots lots more
all these make me a happy girl
i really am quite easily satisfied
i still wish someone would stop being annoyed at me though

late night shopping is fun
and most shops offer discounts
but shopping in heels is just plain torturous
those ladies that can plough the shopping center in insane heels have my respect and admiration
bought a pretty gold charm necklace just now, if there is such a thing
its really quite cool
it has a watch, a locket in which you can insert photos, a ring, and this pearl like thingy
really really lovely
:))

there really isn't much of a point to this entry and i am just rambling
but i am happy and i cant get to sleep and i just needed to occupy myself
hah

lijie is a happy girl now

2006-12-07T12:08:00.000+08:00

rahhh
my phone is screwing up on me
like majorly
i cant receive calls and messages even when my phone is on, sometimes
ok, alot of the times
but it works at other times
so i never know when on earth it is working or not working

gahhh

2006-12-04T14:31:00.000+08:00

the weekend was good

saturday night out
and i seriously think i should start keeping away from alcohol
i suck at drinking
K-box after wala cuz they didn't want to go home
my first K box session was quite an interesting and fun thing, actually
the guys are funny
and jo can sing
but lijie cannot sing
(due to both the fact that i do not keep up with the mando-pop or even any pop scene and that i simply cannot sing)

sunday was fantastic
most probably one of the best in a long time
it was disturbingly heartwrenching to see my dad so happy
not that i don't like to see him happy but the fact that he is so happy so rarely makes it really sad
i thinks he deserve better children than the ones he has

yes, i ~~think~~ know i am a terrible daughter

2006-12-01T20:58:00.000+08:00

liberation!
finally

but i dun care about how it will turn out now
it is finally all over
and for that i am glad

time to get a life again

2006-11-28T13:27:00.000+08:00

3 hours to my paper and i still have like 7 sets of notes to go
and nothing is going into my head anymore

this is so screwed up

2006-11-25T18:03:00.000+08:00

today was just plain screwed up
and i thought i would do fine for this
rahh

and they draw a bloody bell curve for 40 people
WTF??

please hope that the bell curve is to my advantage for me, friends
i.e, that everyone else is as screwed as me
evil, i know
but i have no choice

2006-11-24T12:44:00.000+08:00

it begins tmr

and i am not even close to finishing my revision
i need a miracle

on totally irrelevant note, all the bugs are coming out
i think it is due to the rain
i was trapped on the bed because there is a lizard on the floor and i refuse to get off the bed
then a freaking i-dunno-what insect appeared on the bed beside me
rahhh
i tried to smack it but i think i only injured it and it fell back into the crack between the bed and the wall
i hope it doesn't have to die a too painful death
it was a seriously evil looking, black and BIG insect
so don't blame me for being evil or cruel or whatever

right
back to the notes
and to hoping a miracle will happen

2006-11-23T15:01:00.000+08:00

some things,actually all things, once changed can never be the same again
it is only whether one can notice the minute difference
or if one is happy or can live with the new state of things

i like changes
but not those that turn things i liked into things i don't

how do i let go of something that is a part of me?

2006-11-22T23:16:00.000+08:00

i hate carbohydrates because

1. they make you fat
yes, i know technically anything can make you fat but due to high glucose (which is a carbohydrate) content in the blood after a meal, it causes LPL to be expressed better, hence causing the excess food consumed to be stored in the adipose tissue(which is basically your fats) rather than be utilized by the muscle, or sth
so, it is in the human nature to be fat
then why the hell does everybody want to be skinny??
that is opposing the law of nature
i am pro-fat people now cuz i am one of them

2. carbohydrate is definitely going to come out for one of my core modules and more than likely for the other as well.
and by far, it is the most taxing biomolecule (of what i have to study, anyway)
i am looking at 103 slides for the chemistry and function in food and another 118 PAGES for its metabolism in the human body in the freaking disgusting biochemistry mantra called FUNDAMENTALS OF BIOCHEMISTRY LIFE AT THE MOLECULAR LEVEL, which happens to be not fundamental at all
sighhh

which is why i have put off this till now
cuz it is really something which requires hell lot of brains and memory work as well as superb concentration
all of which i am not particularly well equipped now

i hope to survive

2006-11-20T14:50:00.000+08:00

five days to exams and i have no sense of urgency
sighh

what is new?
carbohydrates, proteins and lipids, oh and nucleotides
chemistry, function in food, metabolism and structures of these biomolecules
it is pretty much alot to cover
i need to be more productive

2006-11-18T08:26:00.000+08:00

i got my new birkes from sera yesterday
i wore them
and cut my feet
i miss my old birkes

old, seasoned things will always be more comfy
but sometimes, you're forced to make certain changes
much as you loved the old ones

come back here, to us

2006-11-16T00:24:00.000+08:00

results vs principles
which would you choose?

one project was all it took to let me see how people think
results and minimal effort is of utmost importance

maybe i am too self righteous or maybe i was one of those poor chinese scholars who would rather starve to death then betray my prinicples in my past life and still retain some remanants of that life in this one
but i have my own prinicples and adhere to them pretty firmly, i would say
and a very part of it has got to do with some values called honesty, integrity and self respect
adn of course, it has been said that i am a freaking perfectionist, but that is beside the point
which explains why i am currently feeling seriously disgusted with myself for doing what i did for the project

call me dumb or anything else you want, but i believe if owing up to your mistakes, learning from it and moving on with life
this extends to my academic work, simply because it is a part of my life
albeit one that may not be particularly enjoyable
which is why i do not copy seniors' lab reports nor do i alter my experimental data even when i know it is screwed up
hence, to me, it is fucking disgusting and amazing how people can ask " can we just change the results?" whenever some form of error crops up
and it seems like i am the only one who feels that such a thing is inappropriate because the rest of the group thinks it is fine and that they have been doing it all along anyway
principles aside, if you can simply make up your own data, then what is the point of spending all the hours in the lab?
but i guess, to many many, it is simply the grade that comes back that matters
everything else does not

they say uni is a transition from school to the working life
if it is really true, i think i am going to hate working life
the way things work and the way people work

i think i shouldn't think too much
i know my life would be alot easier if i could be just like everyone else
but should i be like everyone else?
do i want to?
which brings to mind this evercare card that i've still got somewhere from secondary school
"What is right is right even if nobody's doing it, What is wrong is wrong even if everybody is doing it."

it is not easy doing the right thing when nobody else is doing it.
i think i am too idealistic.

2006-11-14T23:59:00.000+08:00

you are right
it doesn't have anything to do with me

nothing at all

2006-11-14T02:04:00.000+08:00

i just reached home from school
yes, the time you are seeing is correct

it IS 2 AM

2006-11-10T20:06:00.000+08:00

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as strong willed and stubborn.

Overall, your true self is reserved and logical.

With friends, you seem thoughtful and interested in ideas.

In love, you seem mysterious and interesting.

In stressful situations, you seem selfish and moody.

What Do People Think Of Your Face?

Your Inner Blood Type is AB!

Your personality is hard to define - you're very unconventional.

And even if your personality could be defined, it would be completely different next week!

Outgoing and shy, sensitive and thoughtless, you tend to have a very split personality.

This makes you unpredictable. You can be a total angel - and a total devil.

You are most compatible with: everyone!

Famous Type AB's: Jackie Chan and Marilyn Monroe

What's Your Inner Blood Type?

true, i think
bored, because i am in school
and i can't think of how to save my report

in school, on a friday night
is that sad or is that sad?

2006-11-10T18:08:00.000+08:00

someone asked me this over lunch just now
"How come you suddenly become so zai for this module?"

i couldn't decide whether i ought to be flattered or offended

but being zai now doesn't help since the project(lab work) has been done and completed and all i can do is to try salvage the horrible pieces
the enlightenment should have come a month earlier
and that would be perfect
i think i am slow

sigh
lets hope i can mangage to piece everything together reasonably well

and i need to gain enlightenment on my other modules too
and a miracle to happen if i need something that vaguely resembles a decent grade

2006-11-08T23:56:00.000+08:00

i swear i have never studied so hard in my whole entire life
sat in the library from 1130 to 2030
with the exception of forty-five minutes for lunch break
i spent at least EIGHT hours studying
and i have yet to finish for the test tmr, or today
i seriously regret skipping the lectures now
:(

i keep hearing the books say "die, lijie, die"
someone tell me i am hallucinating

back to the book

2006-11-07T20:49:00.000+08:00

i feel like a jellyfish now
ok, fine, so i don't exactly know how a jellyfish feels, but i feel like how i think a jellyfish should feel like
with jelly-like limbs
meaning, i am sick
rahhh

such a FANTABULOUS time to be sick
with two quizes tmr and on thurs, lab on friday and the OMG killer project's report due next week
and i have to fall sick now

why? why? why?
i swear if there is something called luck in this world, it certainly doesn't like me
:(

2006-11-06T13:56:00.000+08:00

everytime i open "Fundamentals of Biochemistry Life at the Molecular Level by Donald Voet, Judith G. VOet, Chstloyr W. Prat", i will be grateful that i didn't choose life science as my major
then again, why the hell do i have to do such rubbish module when i am not doing life science?
rahhh

i swear i hate that fucking asshole
i have never hated someone so much in my whole entire life
he is the one who shattered everything that i used to know as a family and a home

i have made up my mind
nothing, no one can change my mind this time

2006-11-05T18:47:00.000+08:00

i stayed home today, in an attempt to study
and i have to say it was a total flop
for the past ten hours, i have been staring at my textbook and laptop alternately
and accomplished nothing

i am so proud of myself, NOT

2006-11-02T10:31:00.000+08:00

FST2102 CHEMISTRY OF FOOD COMPONENTS
25/11/2006 (Sat) 1:00 PM 2 h

GEK2501 UNDERSTANDING YOUR MEDICATIONS
27/11/2006 (Mon) 1:00 PM 2 h

LSM2101 METABOLISM AND REGULATION
28/11/2006 (Tue) 5:00 PM 2 h

CM2161 PRINCIPLES OF CHEMICAL PROCESS II
01/12/2006 (Fri) 9:00 AM 2 h

rude shock to wake me up
exams are three weeks away
i have tonnes to catch up
and my first paper is on a saturday
AGAIN
and my experiences with saturday papers ALWAYS turn out disastrous
:(

three more quizes and one monster report to go
to survive this,

i need
1. more time
2. more brains
3. alot alot alot of luck

2006-10-31T23:09:00.000+08:00

three day week this week!!
yayyyy
no labwork at all!!
double YAYY

lijie is a happy girl
:)

2006-10-30T13:20:00.000+08:00

sometimes, i am amazed at my own thoughts
i cannot understand how my own mind works
so i doubt it will be esay for anyone else to do so
and i cant decide whether that is a good thing or not

i wish i can say it doesn't bother me
but it does
and majorly
been through it, raged about it
but nothing changes

tired

2006-10-28T16:51:00.000+08:00

lijie's pet peeves on the public transport system

1. people who put the horrid sounding music (read: techno, diabetically sweet, act cute and weird sounding stuff) on the speakers on their handphones
then, proceed to speak really loudly with their friends to be heard over the noise they create.
2. people who has to sit on the seat next to the aisle on the bus and inconvenience other commuters
3. smelly people (ok, fine, so some of them cannot be faulted because of the nature of their work or activities, but still)
4.people who simply cant take their wallets out of their bags and insist on testing the sensitivity of the machine by burying their wallets in the bag and brushing their bags against the machine
and in the process hold up everyone else behind them
5.people who sit down and pretend to sleep when they see an old man/woman or extremely pregnant lady beside their seat
6.people who eat on the bus and leave their junk on the seats
7.people who prop their legs on the behind of the seats even though there are other commuters sitting on the seat in front of them

i will add on to the list when i think of more
but seriously
we could all do with some form of civic mindedness and consideration for others

2006-10-26T22:31:00.000+08:00

i should stop being such a negative person
i must start to think positive and learn to take things that aren't going my way better
but i cant help it
i am such a freaking perfectionist and do not see the point of doing things just for the sake of doing it
sighhh

try lijie, try
i will

i most probably should stop talking to myself and my things too

2006-10-24T18:30:00.000+08:00

ok
i have been spending too much money lately
seriously
i blew almost three hundred bucks in a week
sighh
i guess it did kinda made me a happier
but still

and Guess is taking really long to alter my pants
its almost a week already k..
i know its free alteration and i shouldn't be mean
but it is really a little too long

i tried to forgive and forget
but i cant do it
i am no saint
so?
shoot me

2006-10-21T22:37:00.000+08:00

i swear my life is one fucking rollercoaster ride that never ends
when it seems like everything is almost perfect, or as good as it can get, things will definitely come crashing down
harder, more sudden and more painful than ever before

i tried
but all that happened was i got increasingly disappointed

how do you escape from something that has no exit?
you simply cant
not until you disappear, at least