it is finally over
but suprisingly, there wasn't that sense of euphoria as anticipated
maybe its because i know it wasn't a job well done

oh well
i shan't think about all this

time to have fun now
:)))

one more day to liberation
last one


but i think this is the toughest of all
that woman is horrid
her notes are pretty much useless
and i am so not studying
i think its called the last paper syndrome
watching the dance floor finals
way more exciting than the fragmented notes which i have some serious problems understanding


paper at nine tmr
liberation at eleven
cant wait

every time before my exam, i always come up with this grand plan
of how i am going to finish studying this time round
how i am going to start earlier, be more consistent and not bum around till less than 24 hours before my paper

and yet, without fail, i ALWAYS only start studying for the paper, the day before the paper
what the hell

i had 3.5 days to perpare for my last 2 papers
and till now, i have yet to complete anything
gahhhh
and the horrid chem paper for which i need a miracle for is tomorrow
at 9 am at that

saturday papers have always been cursed for me
never ever had i done well for a single saturday paper
gahh

i am annoyed with myself

i am still in shock after the paper today
it was in one word, DISASTROUS
freakin hell
who in the right mind will ask what fragrances the ancient romans use for the daily rituals?
and they use different things for different offerings at different times of the day at that
and how am i supposed to know which long dead person brought perfume from france to italy?
and what is the perception of beauty????
HUHHH???

not to mention that it was an extremely long paper
80 MCQ, 2 essay and 40 fill in the blanks in 2 hours
if not for the fact that i have nothing to write, i would never have been able to finish it
stupid paper
just totally killed me this sem

the only thing i can hope for is that everyone doesn't do well too
since we operate on the bell curve
evil, i know
but the arts people s/u it what
and if everybody doesn't do well, it is for the greater good

now, i gotta mug damn hard for chem and hope like mad that the miracle that happened for the CAs keep up
oh, and postharvest technology too
hope like mad that the woman doesn't come up with too weird questions and that i remember the spelling of all the scientific names of the veggie and the fish

two more
i will pull through
hopefully

i have a love/hate relationship with MCQ papers
it so simple to just not study for it because it is MCQ and you cannot fail
but, at the same time, you gotta study damn hard for it if you wanna do well since everyone is going to do well for it, anyway
gahhh
this is speaking from experience cuz the average score for the last test for this module was freakin 80%
joy to the world
and cheers to lots of memorising of figures
double gahhh

back to mugging

i thought econs was easy
it was until the whole deal about money supply and what not started
gahh
annoyed

my paper is in 3 hours and i still don't quite know why it works the way it does
rahhh
oh well, consolation is i S/U the thing so i don't really care

one down, one more going to be over soon
four more to go
i need lots and lots of luck and brain cells to finish this time round

to whoever that is up there that controls the academic realm, please let me do well
or at least let me understand what i am studying laa
thank you very much

i guess once a crack appears, it will never go away
as much as you try to do everything in your power to restore it to its original state, it can never be done
the strain will be there
at the slightest pressure, you hear the crack, depsite all your past efforts
and you just wonder was everything worth the effort
yet, you know you cannot just not try
and somehow, you simply can't just walk away


i used to pick up the phone confidently to call and text
assured that the voice at the other end will be happy to talk to me
now, i lack the courage to punch in those familiar numbers
afraid to feel the distance and, what i think is, nonchalence


i am supposed to be studying because the countdown timer on my desktop says 1 day and 17 hours to my first paper
but my mind has decided to wander off into a realm not within my control
and this lack of control over myself doesn't help as well
simply makes me more annoyed at myself

one thing that my current course has done to me is to seriously educate me and make me think about my diet
not necessarily a bad thing, i think

at least i have a faint idea of what the stuff i am putting into myself is capable of doing to my body
and how not to get cheated by those health supplements because all it does is to give you expensive pee

of course, i also learnt about how my food comes about
but that kinda made me stop eating meat and caused me to stop eating sausages which were once my favourite food
and of course, i learnt that alcohol is a toxin to the body actually
as in i knew it wasn't good for the body but i didn't know it was actually considered a toxin
and i think its the psychological effect that has caused me to be allergic to alcohol sudden
damn rash are still itching
but sat night was fun, so no regrets

yes, i am rambling cuz i have been mugging/ attempting to mug for so long that i decided that a break should be better for my state of mental health than staring at the textbook

(:

i just had another of my weird dreams while sleeping the science library
and it is one of those that do not bode well
it was so fucking realistic and i could remember every single detail
please don't let it come true
even though she always scold me and don't particularly like me, but still
don't let it come true

please let it be my a trick of my over exhausted mind

sleep used to be my escape from horrid reality cuz i don't have to think then
but now, lately, sleep has become scary
stupid dreams are killing me as much as the real world

i need rest

i did this out of sheer boredom and because all it requires me to do was to click at rotating cubes
but the results are to say, the least, freaky because it is so damn bloody accurate
and all i did was to choose colours
scary stuff, i tell you



What it says:

You are tending to pursue your objectives with concentrated intensity and it would seem that whatever obstacles may come into your path, you will stick to your guns and will not allow yourself to be deflected from your purpose. You are striving to achieve recognition and what is more - you deserve it.

Being a somewhat gentle, emotional and sensitive person, you are at this time experiencing a considerable amount of tension. What you really need is someone who can be close to you and to listen to what you have to say.

There are times of everyone's life when 'compromise' is the name of the game and this is the time, so you have no alternative but to forgo some pleasures for the time being. You are capable of achieving satisfaction through physical activity.

For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.

Whatever you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong and you are now quite convinced that there is little point of formulating new objectives and it is this belief that has resulted in the stress and anxiety. You would like to be able to communicate with other people who think as you do. At this time there seems to be no-one on the horizon nor is there any prospect of meeting anyone in the immediate future. But it must be said that you are really a 'trier' and indications are that you will, as indeed you have in the past, 'bounce back'.

i am dying
because i have been in the library for freaking 5 hours and i am not done with one section of my lectures yet
and i cannot write my lab report because i cannot make sense of it

and i currently feel like puking and have a stupid pounding headache
i think the exam syndrome has decided to come haunt me again
or it might be that coffee that is the doing of my discomfort

gahh

either way
i feel like crap

i never thought i would become one of those who will associate things/people with people
and consequently avoid them to not be reminded
i thought i was more than that

i am disgusted with myself
thank you very much

some relatives are meant to be seen only once in a long, long while
and that means in a very long while

the constant cacophony drives me mad
repetitive stories that i have heard for so many times
shrill, loud voices, so jarring on the ears
honestly, sometimes, relatives can be a, erm, chore to entertain

ten more days to exams
i need to concentrate
but how to when the mind is in such a whirl?
the pieces just don't settle long enough for anything to stay inside



are you really going to walk away like that?

i don't want it to be the last hug
not like that
not when it was full of anger and hurt

stay, please

i guess sorry won't help this time round
but there is nothing else i can say


i don't know whether you will read this
maybe not
probably not


what we had was real
every single thing was real
it wasn't a waste of my time


all i can do now is wait
wait and hope

i am in school now
at 1700 when normal people are out and having fun
i feel really sad for myself, thank you very much

i really am that close to the edge
the old, the young, the school, the work, the brain, the body
everything seems to be actively participating in the bring lijie down campaign
overzealous participation, in fact

suffering from acute lack of sleep
and the pounding headache is still ever present
the stomach is already crazy
and it seems that the limbs seem to be joining in the revolt as well

yes, i am about to fall apart
in every sense of the word